Day 54 – The final day of treatment

Is there any point in writing about the night again? It was rough, I didn’t sleep much and I coughed throughout. I woke up a bit late (08:30) as the kids were getting up by themselves today for Desney is staying home to do some proofreading.

I was very tired and greatly lacking energy throughout the morning. I wasn’t finished with breakfast and medication and stuff until well after 12:30. It took me 4 hours to get everything down with a lot of coughing and a lot of retching. Not a pretty sight or sound.

But there is the tiny light at the end of the tunnel that’s blinking at me today. I knew from the moment I woke up: today is the final day of treatment. I know perfectly well it’s not the end of pain and suffering. I know that it’s going to get worse for at least 2 weeks, with the cumulated build up of chemicals and radiation in my system, before it starts getting better. But making it through today means that I have made it through the entire 8 weeks of radiation therapy without any breaks which means, to me, that I have done everything I can to kill this thing and get it out of my body. No more treatment will also mean that I can start controlling what I do when during the day and no longer have to organise my day around the clinic appointments. I am very much looking forward to the end of today…

Desney and I got to the clinic a few minutes early. They took me in right on time. I was in and out in about 15 minutes and then we had to wait to see the doctor. We waited a good half an hour and were escorted in to his office. We were both very pleased to see Dr. Mammar and he was quite pleased to see us. He said it feels like yesterday that we first met, which was the day before my treatment started (16/10), and that time had flew by. I told him that I understood but that it hadn’t exactly flown by for me. On the contrary it was quite long. We talked a bit about the treatment itself, how intense it was, how they used the maximum possible amounts of radiation and of chemo and how everything had (in principle) been removed by surgery beforehand and the radiation was for preventive measures. We talked a bit about the long-term. How long it will take before things get better. They never have an answer for that one. Each case is different and they don’t want to be pinned down to a claim they can’t stand behind later. It could be 2 months like it could be a year and a half! We talked about what changes would be permanent: much less saliva for the rest of my life which means I’ll always need a bottle of water with me; whiskers will no longer grow where I’ve been radiated so I can only grow a moustache and a goatee; a part of my neck, just under the chin, needs constant massage or I’ll look like a pelican; I’ll need to take fluoride treatments every day, for about a minute, for the rest of my life as they’ll never be able to work on the bones in my jaws and mouth and with less saliva there is always a higher risk of dental infection. As always he was a pleasure to talk to and very responsive to our questions. The most important point he wanted to get across was that normally this would be it. He can’t guarantee anything, and certainly doesn’t want to, but with the extent of treatment I went through and the extent of the surgery prior to the treatment there should not be anything left and nothing should come back. There is always a risk of remission. But that’s not what one should be thinking about as there’s nothing more one can do. One should be thinking about the present and the future without cancer. We talked about the follow up examinations and surveillance and went over what I had to do with which doctors and when. He gave me whatever last prescriptions I needed and we said goodbye. I thanked him profusely for everything.

When I got home I put myself to sleep. I fell asleep with the very satisfying feeling of having accomplished something. I didn’t falter. I went through the entire 8 weeks, and all of the treatment, without any breaks and without quitting. I’m still hurting for it but I am pleased and happy with myself for having gotten through this part. It’s a milestone. It’s not the last. But it’s an important one for me.

In the evening we had Chinese takeaway and watched a quick movie (Le Papillon) as Alexandra has school in the morning.