Worse

They said "It'll get worse before it gets better". I hate it when they're right.

I also wish I could say that now it's getting better which is why I'm writing. Unfortunately I'm writing just so people stop thinking I'm either dead or back in the hospital!

Ever since the treatment stopped everything's gone downhill. The pain is constant. My throat hurts beyond belief when swallowing and now hurts every time I breathe through my mouth. The constant retching makes me cry all the time which makes my nose run all the time which blocks up my breathing even more. Added to all of this I now have a mouth full of mouth sores which is a cumulated reaction from the chemotherapy and radiation. The sores, on the outside edges of my tongue and on the inside of my cheek, make it so it stings horribly to put just about anything in my mouth (including my Rénutryl drink) and I can't open my mouth more than about 1/3. This is making it extremely difficult to eat. I'm eating less. Which means I'm losing weight again (a bit) and don't have a lot of energy to get up and do things.

Nights are endless, mornings are painful, evenings are dreaded... There's a good pocket in the middle of the afternoon...

I see Dr. Kanoui on 20/12 at which point I hope to be on the upswing. If I'm not I may get physically violent with him, with what's left of my energy, just out of pure frustration.

The kids are caring and a bit weary of me. But Desney, as always, is taking amazing care of me. They are the reason I am here and happy to be so.

I apologise for not writing more often at the moment and will try and do so when I can.