I know I should be happy.
I should be happy to be alive. In many ways I am. I should be happy to be at home with my family rather than alone in a hospital room. In many ways I am.
However my health has gotten progressively worse over the last few days and I’m not happy about it. It’s the same old story. It hurts like hell every time I swallow. That gets really exhausting after a while. I can’t talk. My voice has gotten weaker and weaker, rather than stronger, and when I try and talk for more than a couple of minutes it hurts and I break in to a coughing fit. I cough throughout the day and night. If I cough too much I end up coughing up a rather disgusting ball of saliva that I then have to dispose of. When I cough too much I cry which makes my nose run which means I breathe entirely through my mouth which makes me cough which makes my nose run which….
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time.
As I’m in pain all the time, luckily at various degrees, I’m angry which makes me bitchy. I’ll bite your head off for asking me to repeat myself because you couldn’t hear me when I too have difficulty hearing myself speak and I’m certainly closer to the orifice performing the oration. I snap or bitch about the slightest thing. I’m sure my family would like to disown me by now.
Resolution: My goal is obviously to get better and to make the end of 2006 better than the end of 2005 which should not be all that difficult.
My resolution however is to appreciate the simple things in life. As soon as I can swallow without pain I will probably spend days sitting around just swallowing with a big smile on my face. When I can talk without pain and without coughing I will try my hardest not to waste the gift of speech by talking as much as I usually do without reason. I am going to appreciate every word which comes out of my mouth. Of course the greatest sensual pleasure of all that I eagerly await is to be able to eat normally and taste my food. I will savour every single mouthful of food and drink from now on.
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2 comments:
I am truly sorry to hear you have taken some steps in the wrong direction, vis a vis, your recovery. I was elated, prior to these last few admissions, that you thought you had turned a corner, only to find yourself suffering throughout the night again. It sounds like at least the taste thingy is getting better, even though the aftereffect was not pleasant. Hopefully it will all continue to improve and in the meantime you at least seem to have your priorities in orde. I know the rest will come, so just keep pissing and moaning in here, we who love you, will still love you even when you are feeling sorry for yourself. I wish I could say I could handle it better, but I would be lying. You are doing the best you can, even if sometimes it doesn't seem good enough, it is. Next New Years this will be a nasty memory, a bit of undigested beef, or potato, just like Marley's ghost. Hang in there nephew, all our love and good thoughts continue to flow in your direction.
Jerry and Sharon
Hi Derek.
I'm no blogger and this is the second shot at sending you a message.
Arlene alerted me to your blog some time ago and I've been following your struggle since.
I'm proud of you, a sentiment that you may feel belies the distance that has grown between us over the past meaningless years.
I know you'll make it and I look forward to seeing you and Desney again and the girls.
You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
Love.
Malcolm.
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