Flashbacks

Sunday morning and I'm here in front of the computer again...

Every now and then I get these flashbacks of my treatment days and it hurts. Something will remind me of those times and my stomach will lurch for a second or longer.

Desney had bought me three really big, and cheap, polo shirts to wear during the 3 days of chemotherapy when I would have to have the pump safetypinned to the inside of my shirt for 24 hours including while I slept. Whenever I open my wardrobe now and look through my polo shirts for one to wear today, as it's warm enough, and I come upon those 3 shirts my stomach gets nauseous for a few seconds...

To try and help during the chemo sessions I had bought, ripped and listened to some relaxation music. It's basically electronic, techno, trance stuff. Now whenever I hear that sort of music my mind flashes back to sitting in that white room with the needle in my chest and feeling awful and I get nauseous all over again...

I had bought myself a tiny iPod shuffle to listen to music and comedy and such during my chemo sessions... now I can't even look at the thing any more. It sits on a shelf in the living room and when I see it I get a brief flash of those days...

Sensual memory can many times be wonderful... remembering how wonderful things felt once upon a time... but sometimes they can also be nightmares...