The meeting I had been dreading...

This was the meeting I had been dreading ever since I found out I had cancer.

Desney and I met with Dr. Kanoui, the radio-therapist, to start planning the x-ray (radiation) therapy. He was running late and the radiotherapy waiting room was absolutely packed (standing room only) with patients. The waiting room was for both patients receiving treatment and for consultations so I don't know who was waiting for who.

Dr. Kanoui asked me quite a few questions and kept speaking the answers in to a dictophone to build up my file. I gave him copies of just about every piece of paper I have received throughout treatment and gave him the whole history.

Unfortunately, right of the bat, he said the bad word. He feels that because the cancer spread throughout my throat so quickly and widely, and due to the number of cancerous tumours found, I should also have chemotherapy. This was very, very bad news for me as up to now every doctor has said I would only need x-ray therapy which is bad enough. I really, really, really do not want to have to go through chemotherapy. He said that he does not make the decision on his own. There is a conseil multidisciplinaire (a group of several cancer specialist doctors). They meet and they look over the file together and they make a group decision as to whether or not chemotherapy is necessary. He will give me the answer next Thursday. To chemo or not to chemo that is the question. It's going to be a very, very long week.

In the mean time he strongly feels we need to start the x-ray therapy as quickly as possible. I will be back to the clinic on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Tuesday they do a simple scan (no injection) to create a sort of mask they put on me during the treatment which allows the computer to pinpoint the x-rays to the right place. After the scan they actually make the mask and they try it out on me (simulation) on Wednesday. On Thursday I go back for my clinical examination with Dr. Kanoui and we start planning the actual treatment. In my opinion it will probably start the following Monday.

We spoke about the treatment. He repeated, thus confirming, a few things I already knew. Once a day; Monday through Friday; lasts eight weeks; the x-rays are only a couple of minutes (used to be about 10 minutes from the last reports I had read), ... He also gave me a bit of information as regards the effects which is what I needed to hear. As he explained it's like having a sunburn inside your throat. I'll have difficulty swallowing which I'm already sort of used to but wasn't planning on living with for another 8 weeks. I'll have a dry mouth and throat as the salivary glands are affected. I'll need to have a daily fluoride treatment as the teethe are weakened by the x-rays. I'll be eating soups, purées, compotes and other such mushy food for 8 weeks or more as I will not recuperate immediately afterwards. If my swallowing becomes too difficult they have liquid protein that they will give me to keep up my stamina. All of this is obviously not joyous information but pretty much what I expected and I knew I was going to have to go through this. But this ain't chemotherapy!

Desney didn't like him at all. She didn't like his attitude or the way that he works. I am actualyl quite accustomed to a lot of his habits and that didn't bother me much. The aspect that I disliked was one sensed immediately that he deals with hundreds of cancer cases and patients regularly and this was another one to get through. It was a very rushed meeting and I actually got the feeling we were asking too many questions at the end. This was the opposite of what I was hoping for which was a relaxed discussion to prepare us for the next phase of therapy especially taking in to consideration his announcement of the possibility of chemotherapy.

Although I have a better idea where I am headed I was not pleased when we left. I am basically pissed off at the world again and, unfortunately, taking it out on everyone around me.

I'm hiding down in my office now to spare the rest of the family my moods...

It's going to be a really long week...